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SHOCKING JOKES

 

Here are the best of the worst jokes! 

Send me some crap jokes via my e-mail!

 

Who delivers a puppy when the vet isn't available?

The mid-woof!

 

man walks into a bar and shouts OUCH!

 

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick.

 

Whats red and invisible?

No tomatoes!

 

How does a polar bear hide?

It covers its nose.

 

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

A. The branch snapped!

 

What goes in dry, comes out wet and brings great satisfaction?

A. A tea bag!

 

What has four wheels and flies?

A dustbin lorry.

 

What's 200 feet long, stinks of piss and costs 5.00?

A Netto recipt.

 

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

 

2 parrots sat on a perch, one says to the other, "Do u smell fish?"

 

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Doctor: How long have you felt this way?
Patient: Ever since I was a puppy.

 

Patient: Doctor, doctor. I've got a load of
strawberries stuck up my arse.
Doctor: Ah, I think I have some cream for that.

 

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasoreass!

 

Why are fishmongers so mean?
Their job makes them selfish.


Bloke one : I`m getting fed up of my dog, it`ll chase anyone on a bike.
Bloke Two : What are you gonna do? Give it away? have it put down?
Bloke one : Nah - I`ll just get rid of his bike!


Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
So they don't get mistaken for feminists.


What do you get if you dial 010 11 238 640397 239865 1207988?
A sore finger.


Why did the indian call the cowboy pale-face?
Because he had a bucket shaped head!


What do you call a septic cat?
Puss.


What do you call a girl who sets fire to her telephone bill?
Bernadette.


What's pink and stands in the corner?
A naughty pig.


Bloke goes into the pub and says to the barman: 'i'll have a pint of bitter please' Barman replies: 'sorry we don't sell bitter here' Bloke says: 'well ok, i'll have a pint of guinness then' Barman answers: 'sorry we don't sell any ales, we've only got this new stuff called "rat"' Bloke says: 'ok i'll have a half of rat please' Barman takes a rat out from under the counter, chops it in half, puts the tail end in a glass and gives it to the bloke. Bloke says: 'i can't drink that!' Barman asks: 'why not?' Bloke replies: 'it's got no head on it.'


Did you hear the one about the rope ?
Okay, I'll skip it.


Did you hear the one about the skyscraper ?
It's a tall story.


Did you hear the one about the skeleton ?
There's no body to it.


When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.


What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Clumsy.


A paper bag goes to the doctors for an examination, and is told to come back
one week later for the results. Sure enough, he returns, and the
doctor says "I've got some rather serious news for you"
"What is it?", asks the bag.
"Well, the thing is, you've got Hepatitis B."
"How can that be?", he asks,"I've never been near any infected blood."
"Well", replies the doctor, "your mother must have been a carrier.

 

A burglary was recently committed at West Ham's ground and the entire contents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a man with a claret & blue carpet.

 

The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in. Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them. In the distance a voice shouts out "Charlton are good enough to win the European Cup." Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"

 

Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb?
A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

 

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning...
"Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!"
"The cups man! Save the cups!" cries George.
"Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir."

 

Apparently, Harry Redknapp offered to send the West Ham squad on an expenses paid holiday to Florida but they said they'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

 

Big Ron was caught speeding on his way to the City Ground today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

 

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis. Explaining this unusual move, he said "we don't just need points now, we need snookers!"

 

A man desperate at Villa's current situation decides to top himself.
In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement.


A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

British Rail have decided to start sponsoring Forest. BR think they are a suitable team because of their regular points failures.

 

Rumour has it that Villa have got a new sponsor: Tampax. The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.

 

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked,
"Say there, whatcha doin' with that pig?"
"That's not a pig, stupid!" she said coldly. ""That's a duck."
"I know," replied the drunk. "I was talking to the duck."

 

The M.D. of a small company has two employees; Jack and Jill. Just recently the company has been doing badly so the M.D. decides that one of them must go. Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill. He asks Jill to step into his office and with a heavy heart explains his dilemma.
"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

 

A man telephones his office and says, "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I'm sick."
"How sick are you ?" asks his boss.
"Well," he replies, "I'm in bed with my sister."

 

A wig went into a bar and ordered a pint of lager. When the barman refused to serve him, the wig asks why.
"Because you're off your head, " replies the barman.

 

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car.
"Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross !" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*** off!"

 

Two couples had gone away for the week-end. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to have a bit of partner swapping for the night..... The guys have agreed that if they can pull off the wife swap, when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoon on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.Clever enough! After several drinks that night they succeed! Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hungover and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the nutella.

 

Two Irish men are walking along Kensington High Street when they see a sign:
Suits 3.50;
Shirts 3.20;
Trousers 3.25;
One said to the other one "Look at that - we could buy a lot of that gear and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune, when we go into the shop don't say anything let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent they might not serve us so i'll speak in my best English accent."
They go in and he orders, 50 suits at 3.50, 100 shirts at 3.20 and 50 trousers at 3.25
The owner of the shop says "You're Irish aren't you ?"
He says "Yes, how did you know that ?",
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners..."

 

Q: How do you make a Swiss roll?
A: Push him down a hill.


This little polar bear said to his mummy "Mummy, are you sure I'm a polar bear?"
"Yes, I'm sure" said his mummy.
"Are you really, really, sure" replied the little polar bear.
"Yes," said his mother "I'm a polar bear, your father was a polar bear,
your grandparents were polar bears, we come from a long line of polar bears"
"So," said the little polar bear "Why am I so very cold."


Q: What is the difference between John Major and A DIY set of drawers without adhesive??
A: One is a glueless kit and the other is a........


Q: What's the difference between light and hard?
A: You can go to sleep with a light on!


Two blokes standing at the end of a pier. One had ten budgies strapped along each arm,
the other had eight parrots strapped along each arm. They both leap off the end of pier,
flap their arms for a couple of seconds and then plummet straight down into the sea.
First bloke says "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
Second bloke says "Well i'll never get the hang of this parrot gliding."


Two blokes on a ship....
...heaving their guts over the side.

One says "You got a weak stomach too eh mate?"
The other replies "Get lost, I'm chucking twice as far as you!"


A farmer wakes up, looks out of his window and sees that his cows have all turned blue
and aren't moving. So he rings the vet and says "vet, my cows have all turned blue
and they aren't moving" so the vet goes "Ok, i know what's wrong and i'll send someone round."
so, an hour later, the farmer looks out of his window and sees that the cows are the right colour again
and they're back to their normal selves. And he sees this woman leaving the field with her back to him.
so he rushes out to thank her but it's too late, she's gone.
So he rings the vet and says "Vet, you're assistant did a great job but
I didn't get a chance to thank her, who was she?"
So the vet says "Thora Hird"


Q: What do you call a 3 legged donkey?
A: Wonkey


A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins.
One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.
"Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene - what happened ?"
"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room,
and I saw him take a fag ouit of his pocket and light up."
"He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "
How long had he been with the company?"
"About 20 years, sir"
"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room,
I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."
"It was, sir."


Two skiers are discussing skiing (of all things).
First one says "I just love zag-zigging down the slalom slope."
Second skier says "it's zig-zagging, not zag-zigging" and an argument ensues.
Eventually they decide to ask someone else so they go up to this bloke dressed in ski-gear
and say 'Excuse me matey, but do we zig-zag down the slalom or zag-zig?'
To which the bloke says "Don't ask me, I'm a tobogganist"
and the second skier says "Excellent, I'll have twenty Rothmans then, please."


Q: How do you make a garden laugh?
A: Hoe, Hoe, Hoe...